[Application][College Scholarship Essay] Essay Editing Appreciated! - Ordium - Dec 15, 2014
Hey guys,
I wrote an essay for the potential of winning a scholarship. It's 500 words, and I would greatly appreciate anybody that wants to take a look at it .
Prompt
In 20 years, if you were on the board of a scholarship selection committee, would the 37-year-old you give the 17-year-old you a scholarship? Why or why not?
Essay
Never in the course of history has anyone, from the most accredited journalists such as Christopher Hitchens, to forgotten geniuses like Nikola Tesla, been able to accurately and successfully describe their life and why they extrude from the common man in a mere 400-500 words. The British Broadcasting Corporation posts successful viral stories of successes and failures in an average of 721 words, according to the companies' ten most shared Facebook stories in November 2013 (BBC). Asking a student to sever a story, to eviscerate an explanation of why they deserve a chance in a rapidly evolving world is the equivalent to lacerating Martin Luther King's "I have a Dream" speech of any and all historical significance that lead up to such a beautifully crafted piece.
Anybody that pretentiously claims that they deserve the scholarship is being dishonest. No specialized string of twenty-six letters nor arrangement of 500 words can even come near being able to qualify for the incentive of this scholarship, and I am utterly agape that this opportunity exists for those that can attempt such a seemingly simple task of answering a prompt, while effectively receiving a 75% on a GPA scale of four. What baffles me even further, though, is the precognition, the clairvoyance that must occur to somebody presenting such a marvelous offer, knowing that a majority of the things that will be received are nothing more than inaccurate illusions or mystical masquerades in order to win over a stranger's heart.
In Death Bringer, Derek Landy asserts that "the lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves." Sure, a writer could craft an image for this prompt, maybe even convince the reader that everything said is true, but the writer will shortly have to return from the stars, where he is not a 99.8% student in every class that is as passionate about law school as Hitler was about the potential non-diluted Aryan race, but rather, an average student with dreams suppressed by the societal and economic pressures that are prevalent in the common world. Where money is not abundant and he would love to become a Graphic Designer but the job would not make ends meet at the end of every month. Where he is a firm atheist yet flounders in fear of answering as such at times, especially formally, due to preconceived notions. So the writer lies. I am that writer.
The biggest problem with this dilemma is that this wonderful world will be replete with nothing but heartaches and tears if the man in the mirror is not my friend.
So no, a 37 year old version of me would not pick myself as a finalist for this award. In essence, I have decided to put myself in a stunting position, of not only attempting to not bolster my appearance but also only allowing myself a maximum of thirteen words from exactly this point.
Hi. My name is____ ______, and I do not deserve this scholarship.
* - Korosensei - Dec 15, 2014
(Dec 15, 2014 04:39 PM)Ordium Wrote: Hey guys,
I wrote an essay for the potential of winning a scholarship. It's 500 words, and I would greatly appreciate anybody that wants to take a look at it .
Prompt
In 20 years, if you were on the board of a scholarship selection committee, would the 37-year-old you give the 17-year-old you a scholarship? Why or why not?
Essay
Never in the course of history has anyone, from the most accredited journalists such as Christopher Hitchens, to forgotten geniuses like Nikola Tesla, been able to accurately and successfully describe their life and why they extrude from the common man in a mere 400-500 words. The British Broadcasting Corporation posts successful viral stories of successes and failures in an average of 721 words, according to the companies' ten most shared Facebook stories in November 2013 (BBC). Asking a student to sever a story, to eviscerate an explanation of why they deserve a chance in a rapidly evolving world is the equivalent to lacerating Martin Luther King's "I have a Dream" speech of any and all historical significance that lead up to such a beautifully crafted piece.
Anybody that pretentiously claims that they deserve the scholarship is being dishonest. No specialized string of twenty-six letters nor arrangement of 500 words can even come near being able to qualify for the incentive of this scholarship, and I am utterly agape that this opportunity exists for those that can attempt such a seemingly simple task of answering a prompt, while effectively receiving a 75% on a GPA scale of four. What baffles me even further, though, is the precognition, the clairvoyance that must occur to somebody presenting such a marvelous offer, knowing that a majority of the things that will be received are nothing more than inaccurate illusions or mystical masquerades in order to win over a stranger's heart.
In Death Bringer, Derek Landy asserts that "the lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves." Sure, a writer could craft an image for this prompt, maybe even convince the reader that everything said is true, but the writer will shortly have to return from the stars, where he is not a 99.8% student in every class that is as passionate about law school as Hitler was about the potential non-diluted Aryan race, but rather, an average student with dreams suppressed by the societal and economic pressures that are prevalent in the common world. Where money is not abundant and he would love to become a Graphic Designer but the job would not make ends meet at the end of every month. Where he is a firm atheist yet flounders in fear of answering as such at times, especially formally, due to preconceived notions. So the writer lies. I am that writer.
The biggest problem with this dilemma is that this wonderful world will be replete with nothing but heartaches and tears if the man in the mirror is not my friend.
So no, a 37 year old version of me would not pick myself as a finalist for this award. In essence, I have decided to put myself in a stunting position, of not only attempting to not bolster my appearance but also only allowing myself a maximum of thirteen words from exactly this point.
Hi. My name is____ ______, and I do not deserve this scholarship.
Just finished reading your essay. I felt you did a awesome job. Everything was structured wonderfully, allowing me as the reader to flow through the essay. Just really well done 😉 .
* - Goldbach - Dec 16, 2014
I'll do some editing this Friday, but +3 for mentioning Christopher Hitchens :)
* - Ordium - Dec 16, 2014
(Dec 16, 2014 08:32 PM)Goldbach Wrote: I'll do some editing this Friday, but +3 for mentioning Christopher Hitchens :)
He says everything and more that I could ever dream of saying in elegantly crafted ways.
* - Goldbach - Dec 18, 2014
(Dec 16, 2014 09:25 PM)Ordium Wrote: He says everything and more that I could ever dream of saying in elegantly crafted ways. Too bad he passed away :\. Too soon for sure
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