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+---- Thread: Rap verse, Need criticism (/showthread.php?tid=5792041)
Rap verse, Need criticism - SirDiablo - Jan 29, 2018
You got everything given to you what i had to grind for,
You grew up rich, I struggled because my fam was poor.
I dont think you understand what i went through boy,
I had no friends growing up i had to fend for myself
yeah i was cool for people,
but i knew they could switch so quick like a biometric switch,
So i never trusted anybody and still to this very day.
They say keep your enemies closer than your friends,
That shit between me and emko confirmed that.
Shit what he did to the rest of us was absolutely dirty,
he know i would have gave him money anytime because he was my brother,
but now because what he did he's now a dead mothafucker.
however he aint the only one who done me wrong.
There is a whole bunch of cunts on my list,
But he happend to be the one who recently pissed me off.
Now its time for me to cross his name off.
and go at the next cunt who wants to set me off.
RE: Rap verse, Need criticism - Diffuse - Feb 1, 2018
You got everything given to you what i had to grind for,
You grew up rich, I struggled because my fam was poor.
Similar issue to another OP; reading lines 1 + 2 consecutively is aurally dissonant. The iambic irregularity isn't unique, it's jarring.
I dont think you understand what i went through boy,
I had no friends growing up i had to fend for myself
yeah i was cool for people,
but i knew they could switch so quick like a biometric switch,
Wouldn't recommend a repetition of 'switch' here
Will check rest later.