Jan 12, 2017 10:33 AM
(This post was last modified: Jan 12, 2017 02:04 PM by Effexion.)
Sometimes when I sit and play games I feel akin to a modern-day Victor Meldrew. Ashamedly, phases like “It was never like this in my day” have been known to pass my lips and an abundance of tuts and sighs can be heard from my vicinity when I am playing. During a recent Battlefield 1 session I had the sudden brainwave of putting some of these annoyances in to writing as a way of expression of exasperation, if you like. Well, I could point out how grumpy I am until the cows come home, but let’s get straight to the mindless ranting. The following is written in no particular order.
#1 Campers
I had to start with the obvious as the obvious are not only ,well, obvious but also one of the main causes of gaming-related internal combustion, effecting 73% of the First World and a prominent contributor to the Great Baked Bean price surge of 2014. These under-skilled clowns seemingly hold great delusions of grandeur as they cower in a corner, automatic weapon poised and set to full-noob firing mode. They seem to think they possess some godly skill as they boast about their top leader-board rank in the after-game lobbies to the infuriated victims of their spineless actions, and it’s this arrogance, this complete lack of awareness to the extremely limited extent of their skill is what makes them so annoying and ergo, number one on my list.
Below, I have drafted a quick compilation of some of the most useful official anti-camper protocols. Please exercise these with total care and remain vigilant at all times:
What to do When Faced With a Camper
When faced with a camper it is important to remember that these beings don’t function to the same capacity as your average person. When outside of a gaming environment, the camper is often seen running at a wall head first or chasing squirrels through the local park, and it’s this deep-seated idiocy we need to take advantage of.
In game, a camper’s natural habitat is the corner of a room (just like their school lives). They possess some unjustified sense of immortality, they fail to remember that a well-cooked grenade can bring them to an explosive and timely end, or that simply being rushed is the inevitable consequence to being such a mindless idiot. Along with flash and stun grenades these are the best ways to handle our stationary friends, well, these and a healthy dose of colourful language. Also, as hard as it can be under camper-induced stress, try your hardest not to continually launch solo rambo-inspired charges from the same position. Instead, remain cool, calm and collective or you will only succeed in boosting the low-life’s score along with his ego.
What Not to do When Faced With a Camper
When faced with a camper always do your level-best to not throw the control at the TV set missing to only hit (and break) your girlfriend’s ceramic hair straighteners. Should this happen don’t blame the goldfish as this will lead to further arguments and her straight in to your boss, Kenneth’s arms.
#2 The Sheer Price of Games
I couldn’t have an old man rant without mentioning the ridiculous price surge in top titles since “when I was a lad”. Back in the day (there I go again) top games were affordable on even the lowest of wages (and when I say wages, I mean pocket money) if we saved up just a little. Now, however, we need a second mortgage, a yard sale and have to feed off passing rodents for months on end to simply be able to afford a copy of the latest Call of Duty offering.
Once we do manage to buy our much-coveted game, we excitedly fire it up on our chosen consoles and are met with the sad fact that further DLC is required to unlock any of the awesomeness that the developers constantly dangle in front of you like some sort of digital carrot. Naturally, we find ourselves lulled in to paying through the nose for the novelty hat for our character. Just as naturally as we curse ourselves every second during the buying stages, hating ourselves for once again falling in to the steel-toothed marketing mincer. We hate ourselves for it, people hate us for it, but at some point in life, it simply has to be done.
#3 Overly Long Cut-Scenes
Don’t get me wrong, I love a decent storyline, but I have never been a fan of sitting down after a busy day and watching what can sometimes feel like sitting through the entire Lord of The Rings box set. I have absolutely nothing against Lord of The Rings, I am actually quite a fan, but I play games for one reason only, and that is to game.
I am not asking for the eradication of deep stories, I just sometimes feel the story telling elements could be broke up a little more with controllable gameplay with actual missions that help explain what is happening as opposed to 15 minute long cut-scenes that grow tedious before unbearable.
My First Three
Here I presented to you the 3 annoyances that were at the front of my my mind at the time of writing. As I wrote the above, more and more were springing to mind as I realized what an annoying place Planet Game actually is under the smooth, 4k graphics and immensely fun nature. Despite all, we will always love games, we will always keep on going and furthermore, we will always love to hate these imperfections that crop up from time to time.
Resident Writer for MyGamer.Com and Horrify.Net
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